Starrider

Just spent the weekend watching my ex’s dog while she was up north with her mom. The the dog watching thing was pre-breakup planned and went pretty smoothly as it has the 20’s of times I’ve done it while she’s been away.

She came back last night, worked a night shift right after getting off the airplane, and made a plan to pick up more of her stuff/the dog this morning after her shift.

She just left and I feel somber about it. Like I’m on the border of upset or sad but not fully there yet. I asked her if I could help her pack up and she told me “it wasn’t my responsibility anymore”.

While I agree, it still hurt to hear that, especially considering her desire to maintain some sort of friendship in the long run. But I think I understand her position, I’d probably want to do a move out on my own as well as a demonstration of independence to myself. I didn’t really know what else to do besides just observe her moving stuff from the house to her car and take in the moments.

I put on Cold As Ice by Foreigner to see what sorts of emotions it conjures. I don’t think it’s the correct song for my current feelings. The pain I experienced is from years of neglect, not some single battle where I immediately need to exact revenge (“someday you’ll pay the price”). Why do I have the opinion that every ex I’ve had should have stayed a friend? Because the level of friendship I have now with my exs pales in comparison to¬† before relationships.

I think I better identify with Starrider; it signifies my journey to get back on track with my life. I don’t know exactly what track I want or how to get there, and that’s what I perceive this song to mean.

I was more than half hoping/expecting the waterworks to start with Cold As Ice or Starrider, and nada. I don’t know why it is so important of an observation to make. The ex mentioned my lack of tears during emotional moments and while we received couples counseling, and I had no answer. I assured her that I was feeling extremely attentive and was aware of the situation.

Listened to Damage is Done and I mostly felt lonely. I’m definitely going to miss the familiarity and history we have together; I know the kinds of things she is into and click really well with her personality outside of intimacy. I mostly know how she would answer a question or can predict a decision she would make given a situation.

There’s both a void and a huge potential now. I’m still feeling somber after writing all of this, but I am feeling hopeful and excited as I wrote in a previous post. I don’t really know how to articulate it better than that.

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