Resentment

I’ve noticed I’m lugging this suitcase of resentment around with me. Oddly enough it seems to be getting lighter compared to last week, but it’s still there.

At first I thought it was filled with single items; why was I the only one to cook, why does it seem like I’m the only one doing chores, why was I the only one going to the store for us? After thinking along the same lines a half-dozen times, it is evident to me the feeling is a lot deeper.

I sat here too long trying to figure out how to word this next part, and I think that’s the reason I have this suitcase. Why didn’t us starting to do the things you complained we weren’t doing help? Why did it become so difficult to communicate with you? Living in a loveless and intimacy-less reality was a really confusing void. I feel weird writing the above distinction, because intimacy without love seems somewhat desolate, but lacking both is a totally different world.

I think I’ve made a lot of progress on myself the past few weeks; I joined a gardening course at a local college, I’ve pursued some other nerd hobbies that interest me, I went out to party by myself for the first time in over a decade. I think liberating is the best word to describe life since the breakup, but still this suitcase.

I think the worst part is that I don’t know whether I can ask the questions I want to ask and still maintain the goal of having a healthy friendship at some point in time with the ex. I don’t know if I even want that friendship, as terrible as it is to think and write. Besides some types of music, our familiarity with each other, and her demonstrated adult-skills (she is dependable and has financial maturity), we don’t really click.

I’ve been putting off broaching the topic (resentment related questions) with her because I don’t know if I want to take the chance at destroying the possibility of a friendship. The more I think of that last sentence, the more I realize that it is exactly what I did during the last 3 years of our relationship; walking on eggshells. That sure as shit didn’t get either of us anywhere.

It felt refreshing to write out all of that. Up to now the above were thought I had while doing the dishes or running.

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