Walking on Eggshells

Man, I really hate to write that as the title .. nothing else perfectly describes my last relationship.

I’ve actually been putting off writing this for a bit; my mind goes bananas any time I try to figure out where to start.

Anger, sadness, and confusion are the feelings I have been experiencing the past 3 years of a 4.6 year relationship that ended about two weeks ago. Now I’m experiencing relief, optimism, and excitedness/joyfulness. My ex was the one to bring up the subject, however it’s been festering in my mind for months while we somewhat attempted to resolve our issues.

I emphasize somewhat because I don’t really think much of a joint effort was made. I think we had a lot of incompatibilities that went unaddressed for such a long time that compromise became an ever distant goal.

So, why the title? I feel I could not bring up anything deep with my ex. Deep, as in my emotional and physical needs .. I’ve felt more or less ignored as both a life partner and a man. If we were intimate that month, I feel it was mostly out of duty on her part. If there is such a thing as love language, I can’t positively say I know what hers is. Just having a hand brushed against me as we passed each other would have been the world to me. Bringing up the lack of intimacy or affirmation lead to her shutting down and changing the subject, storming off to the bedroom, or storming out of the house.

We both changed our diets (for the better) and started exercising at some point last year. I made comments about how much (8 pounds) weight I had lost since starting and this had a negative impact on her as her accomplishments weren’t as great. We both stopped exercising regularly shortly after that, and I learned that too was a subject I needed to avoid.

The worst example for this title, one that I’ll probably be addressing for a while, is a conversation that still bewilders me. We were were at home and slightly intoxicated, I made a joke about turning the cat room into my office so we both had more space and so I could enjoy private time. She inquired about what I meant, so I clarified my joke was about masturbation.  She freaking exploded. Like, went into the bedroom, cried, and refused to talk to me. I gave her about 15 minutes and asked her what’s up. She replied with: ‘masturbation is something losers do’. That really hurt, then and now that as I think about it.

I can take quite a bit in terms of insults; you can imagine I built a pretty thick skin in grade school with a name like ‘Sergey’. Hearing your girlfriend call you a loser for enjoying the most basic self-care act that a large number of mammals on earth practice? I distinctly remember being shocked/stunned, and I was just unable to process what was happening. It wasn’t until later that I started feeling hurt. I attempted to bring up this topic multiple times with the similar results; being ignored/isolated.

I appreciate blunt honesty and open communication. I think being vulnerable to/with somebody is emotionally powerful and can facilitate immense healing. I don’t feel I had an opportunity to do that with her during the last years of our relationship, and it makes me incredibly sad. She is a great and caring friend, has techno-artistic success written all over her for when she figures out what she wants, is extremely smart, and is open to many different kinds of experiences (music, traveling, knowledge, service to the community).

The above situation is the biggest reason to me doing all the work to move this site to the new host it is on. Specifically, I am looking to figure out why my reaction to the breakup is best described by one word: Stoic.

I have some thoughts about why. I think I already processed the inevitable downfall of our relationship during some of the periods described above. I think this graph demonstrates our relationship outlook well:Almost no evident recuperation exists.

A week after the breakup, that I basically lost it and cried for about 4 hours while trying to analyze 4.5 years worth of our history together. I can’t remember when I really cried about anything, ever. Why now, emotions? Why not when my best friend died?

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