I’ve made a series of decisions the past many months and now I’ve put myself into a position where life is shitting on me pretty hard.
The only thing that has been positive is that I somehow passed calculus, however the even the joy of that success is clouded by compounding failure after failure in almost every other part of life. It’s one of those ‘when it rains it pours’ scenarios, amplified many times over.
The only thing different from this depression and the last time I experienced such anguish is that this was caused solely by my actions. Granted, my actions caused the events of 2005-2006, though they were indirect.
My emotions are messed with when re-watching movies from which I had once decided to make a mental notes the lessons they taught. My mind is cursing itself for not holding to those promises I made to myself, ‘Hmm, that’s a good way to live my life, I’m going to start doing that.’ Many other movies and music are just painful to experience again because they bring forth memories I both want to hold on to and forget completely.
Trying to preoccupy myself with a hobby isn’t even rewarding anymore, because my mind wants to sulk, stay unmotivated, and suffer while listening to sad solo violin music (of which there doesn’t seem to be too much selection – I should learn to play the violin.)
Life is just .. meh. Sigh.